And be OK with any form of initial resistance from the person you talk to. Make the desired future change explicit as most issues are only addressed in the past and not translated into a desired future. Do your internal work on how you want to show up. To wrap up our mindset kit for confrontational conversations with care, courage and the right amount of challenge, if you see something or someone that could improve, take the time to prepare a message that is helpful to the person you’re talking to. We see “what’s wrong” faster than “what’s right and should be expanded.” We can train our brain to become more potential- and strengths-focused by continuously asking ourselves, “What works well here and what talent do I see at work?” Our brain is wired to focus on the negative deviation first. This might feel awkward, but it creates space for an actual conversation. It’s daring to say something like, “We need to change the way we communicate to consumers” and then be silent. If we intend to challenge someone’s mental model, we need to give the brain of that person time to think, reflect and, in most cases, defend. Speaking succinctly and in concrete terms is critical in these conversations as the brain of the other person might become defensive and that reduces the ability to process information.Įvery individual creates his or her own mental models of how they see the world. Once you are done preparing your thoughts in writing, distill them down to the essence, so that you have one-liners. What would I like to be changed in the future? (My need versus someone else's need).Which part of my purpose and values were touched? (Interests versus positions).How did the data make me feel? (Feelings versus accusations/blame).What is my data? What did I observe? (Facts versus interpretations). How do I want to show up and be in the conversation? (Curiosity versus threat).To know what to write down, consider the following questions and answer them in writing. Research shows that handwriting enables emotional processing and deep encoding more effectively than typing. Handwriting also has a different effect on the brain than typing. Preparing in writing by hand, even if it’s only some bullet points or a mindmap, creates more clarity of thought and awareness of our own potential biases. Psychologist Matthew Lieberman has shown that conscious awareness of an emotion and the ability to label the emotion frees the brain up for better thinking. Notice them, embrace them, try not to judge yourself and breathe. Check your own intentions when entering a meeting.īefore and during the conversation, make yourself even more aware of the principle that emotions are data. Defensive reactions are instinctive reactions to protect self-value. There are some exceptions, but they are rare. There are few people getting out of bed in the morning with the intention to make others feel bad by becoming heavily defensive toward ideas and feedback. In my experience, all of us have some gaps between how we think we come across and how we actually come across. If no one has a conversation with me about how I come across, I might just be unaware of one of my blindspots. Though we have self-critical thoughts - I like to call them our inner critics - most humans tend to quiet those by reconfirming or deviating. Remind yourself that nobody likes to think of themselves as inadequate. If you have a brain, you have a blindspot.
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